Kaiba Seto: An Emotionless Void?
by BitterPixieBro
Summary: In which Kaiba Seto has some innocent dreams that get him into a bit of trouble with a certain Jounouchi Katsuya. Featuring TRANS GIRL MOKUBA. Please review, I need to know if my stories are liked at all.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm falling.**

 **Falling ever faster as my life passes me by.**

 **I grip at each passing memory, each possibility, each and every path I could have walked, I try and try for my life, for when I reach the end, I will die.**

 **But none are solid, none can catch me and save me from the fate that awaits me.**

 **I find myself in suntanned arms, held close to a beating heart.**

 **I'm floating.**

 **A calloused hand runs through chestnut hair.**

 **My heart flutters.**

 **Amber eyes as beautiful and trapping as hardened sap stare back into eyes as dim and deep as stormy seas.**

 **My stomach turns.**

 **Chapped lips press gently to an icy cheek.**

 **Warmth rushes over me, heats my freezing core.**

 **A voice strong and delicate as a hummingbirds song.**

" _ **I love you."**_

 **Then darkness.**

 **The memories have vanished, the possibilities have disappeared, the courses I could have traveled were erased, he has left.**

 **I am left falling into an endless void.**

 **I shout his name, over and over I call out to him, the one my heart beats so wildly for.**

" _ **Katsuya, Katsuya."**_

 **His given name echoes in the darkness.**

 **I begin to shake.**

 **The black comes crumbling down.**

 **A yellow-white light pours in through the cracks of its black curtain.**

 **I shout once more.**

 **I wake with a start, his name on my tongue, my heart beating ever faster, my hands a shaking mess, my sister standing beside me with worry, her friends in the doorway looking on with nothing short of curiosity and nothing more.**

 **I run a hand through the soft locks of my own hair.**

 **Too afraid to look my sister in the eyes, yet too unsettled not to, I find my strength and look up to her, weak with worry.**

" _ **That nightmare again?"**_

 **Her words with soft, gentle with the grace of a fairy.**

 **I offered her a nod.**

 **My sister was my confidant, she held my every secret deep in her heart, she never once told a soul, yet now there wasn't much I could do. They had been there to witness my calling out to him.**

" _ **You dream about me often, pretty boy?"**_

 **A harsh reality to even out the dream, one that allowed me no hopes for the future. He was crass with the words he spoke, rude and unforgiving. I knew no hope for us.**

" _ **In my mind, you've died countless times over, Mutt."**_

 **I countered with words as cold as his, ones that would throw him off the trail to the truth. I couldn't allow him to see into my mind, into my heart. That was a placed sealed off for my sister's viewing alone. She was the only one that I could trust, she was the only one who wouldn't exploit my emotions, I knew her well enough by now to know this.**

" _ **You seemed more scared than pleased, you really care for me that much?"**_

 **I could not find the words to respond with. I could not find a way to defend myself from his accusations. I couldn't stop the anxiety from crushing over me like it did. I was still shaking, but it had only grown worse at his words.**

" _ **Could you please just drop it, Jou?"**_

 **Mokuba, my saviour. My little sister was always there to save me. She knew when to step in, any sooner she would have stepped on my pride, any later she would have allowed me to make a fool of myself.**

" _ **Can't you see that he's still shaking, he doesn't need to be questioned right now. Just be glad that he cared enough to worry over your sake, and shut up."**_

 **She said more than she needed to, but it was all in the right place. She meant only to be helpful, not to make me seem weak. It wasn't her fault. She didn't know when to stop talking.**

 **However, her words did seem to get Jounouchi to shut his mouth. It allowed me time to cool down, to come down from my high of worry. I was thankful for everything that she did for me, even if she had led these dweebs into my home, and allowed the Mutt some idea as to what I felt for him.**

 **She left me with her friends for a little while, only to fetch me some water. To help me with my anxiety. My sister was a great deal more helpful than she must have realised. She was always trying far too hard, but it always came out just right, no matter how I would complain to her later, the only reason I wasn't a mess with crippling anxiety was because of her efforts to help me remain as mellow as I usually was.**

 **I downed the ice cold liquid in mere seconds, the chill of it all waking me up, helping me to discern from dream and reality even further. Once I was found out, which would be any moment now, I would only receive criticisms, jests, I would be the laughingstock of class.**

 **A delicate looking pretty boy who turned out to be just what everyone expected, gay and in love with someone no one expected. I was ridiculous. I deserved their awful jokes, all for falling for some lowdown dirty dog, a fleabag, a wretch from the streets. Someone I had nothing in common with, and yet someone I loved everything about.**

 **What a joke I was.**

 **Mokuba sent his friends home soon after I had calmed down. Apologising profusely for the situation which arose because of me. I was a burden to her, I knew it well, but I couldn't stop depending on her, I couldn't cease being as selfish as I was. I needed her, with no one else in my life, she was my only life link, the only reason I haven't broken down by now. She was everything to me. Yet I found myself wanting more from other people. I was exceedingly horrible.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I avoided running into the geek patrol for quite some time, I didn't need to face Katsuya, I didn't need to hear him laughing at me. I didn't need to hear his jokes and his spite, it would ruin me. It would tear me to pieces.**

 **Yet it was impossible to put off the inevitable.**

 **I could not avoid what was meant to happen, not while we lived so near to one another.**

 **I bumped into Jounouchi Katsuya a few days later, while getting groceries.**

 **I had hoped that he hadn't seen me, that he wouldn't notice me sizing up the fruits, but to my dismay, the Mutt came stomping over to me, cart in tow, hair an absolute fucking mess.**

" _ **A fruit checking out the fruits."**_

 **Mentally, I flinched at his statement. He was still how he always was, a downright tit. How I had managed to fall so deeply for him was beyond me. Maybe it was the lilt of his voice or the curve of his smile, it could have been any number of things, but whatever had caused the initial fall, it was far too late to reverse it.**

" _ **Save it Jounouci, I'm not in the mood for your flirtations."**_

 **However, he didn't laugh at this, he didn't even seem mildly entertained. He rested his weight on his shopping cart, cocked a brow.**

" _ **Something gotcha in a tizzy there Kaibabe?"**_

 **Who the fuck even spoke like that other than him? In all my time I have never once come across another human being who spoke in such a manner. Maybe his unique form of speech was yet another reason I fell for him.**

" _ **If something has me in a 'tizzy' it isn't any of your business, now is it?"**_

 **He gave a scoff, acted as though he were offended that I refused to immediately open up to him. What a fucking joke, he was the last person I would go to if something was bothering me. Especially since that something usually had to do with him, I wasn't very good with admitting my feelings, how would I do so to the source of them?**

" _ **We're friends, ya can talk to me."**_

 **As much as I hated the rivalry between us, I hated the idea of being friends more. I hated thinking that he considered me on the same level as everyone else. I wanted him to think higher of me, to view me as something else entirely. I wanted him to look at me and think what a fine person I was. Thanks to that, he hated me.**

" _ **We're not friends Mutt."**_

 **The face he pulled left my heart in pieces. He seemed to be upset by my words, just as his friends usually were. I hated letting him down, but I couldn't just be his friend, I wasn't the person to be able to stand that.**

" _ **Ya keep saying that, and yet ya get scared when I die in your dreams, which isn't, do you care or not?"**_

 **Without Mokuba here to defend me, I hadn't a choice but to move along. There wasn't a chance I was going to answer that question. I cared, and I cared deeply, but there was no way for me to rationalise my fear if I were to lie to him. I knew this action of running away wasn't particularly my style, but I couldn't find the words to express how much I could most definitely not care about that Mutt.**

 **For whatever reason he had become so much to me, so much so, that whenever he left my side I felt a pain in my heart. A small tinge of pain echoed through me as I left him behind.**

 **Yet he did not let me, he followed, repeated his question, again and again he repeated it as I tried to shop. I ignored him to the best of my ability, picking out foods for Mokuba and myself, wishing that the Mutt would just drop this and let me be.**

 **But he wouldn't.**

 **Eventually he grew tired of waiting for me to grow annoyed with him, he cornered me in the dairy aisle, right where the walls met, between the milk and eggs. He trapped me between the wall and himself.**

 **He stared me down.**

 **I tried not to let the fear which kept me shine through.**

" _ **Which is it Kaiba?"**_

 **His words were a slurry of the anger and confusion he held onto.**

" _ **We're in public Mutt, don't make a scene."**_

 **He scoffed.**

" _ **Unlike you, I don't care about that shit, answer my question and I wont."**_

 **He was treading on dangerous waters now.**

" _ **That isn't your business."**_

 **He didn't seem to get the message. He didn't think for even a second that my reluctance to tell him could mean what he hoped for. That I did care, that I cared much more than I'd ever like to admit. I didn't want to give him that weapon, but of course I couldn't lie, not while he had all this evidence. He was an idiot.**

" _ **Why won't you just say no so I can go back to my life?"**_

 __ **He didn't want me to make my emotions clear, he wanted me to lie. He didn't want to hear the truth, he wanted to think that he didn't need to worry about me. He was selfish, but so was I. He wanted to hear me reject the idea of it all, he wanted me to comfort him, to bring his mind some peace, but if it meant he was thinking about me, I didn't want to.**

 **I wanted to be the reason he sat up at night, I wanted to be the reason he couldn't pay attention, I wanted to be in the deepest corners of his mind, haunting him. I knew it was a strange wish, but it was what I wanted, and if refusing to lie made that happen, I wanted to tell the truth.**

" _ **Because I can't."**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Before I knew what was happening Jounouchi had himself against me, chest upon chest, nose against nose, hands tied up in my shirt, lips barely brushing my own. We weren't quite kissing, I doubt that he would have ever attempted such a thing. He spoke in a low tone, he wasn't satisfied with what I had to say, not one bit. How could I sit here and say that I cared for him after everything I've put him through? How could I be so fucking selfish? But then again, how could he?**

" _ **Don't do this to me."**_

 **I wasn't doing anything wrong, he was the one fucking me up, he had been at it for years now, since high school, I couldn't stand it any longer. His words, his actions, they all made my blood boil, it pissed me off.**

 **Maybe it was the passion I felt for this that made me fall for him.**

" _ **I'm not doing anything to you, you're doing it to yourself, don't blame me."**_

 **This upset him.**

 **He pushed off of me, forced me into the wall and left me there. He grabbed his cart, continued on through the store. I had always known that this was how something of this sort would end. I knew that he would get angry, that he would have never accepted my feelings. I have never been anything to him but an obstacle he couldn't get past. I just hoped that despite how he loathed me, this would remain on his mind for years to come. I hoped that this would haunt him. I wanted ot be his downfall if I couldn't be his support.**

 **I continued on with my shopping, trying my hardest to keep tears from my eyes.**

 **When I returned home, I left the unloading to Mokuba and Isono.**

 **I preferred to be allowed some time alone to grieve my losses. I knew from the tart that we would have never worked out, and at least I wasn't allowed ot get my hopes up, but I still felt as though I was missing out. I would never get to experience what it would be like to receive his affections, I would never be on the receiving end of anyone else's love, only Mokuba's.**

 **It was a loss to be mourned, my first and last love. Surely this would teach me some lesson to never again allow someone to get so close to my heart, I knew now that it left behind a gaping hole. What I couldn't understand was how people went through this so often, how they could stand to be rejected day after day, how they could still find it in themselves to love another human being despite being hurt so many times in the past.**

 **It was impossible for me. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand too much pain, I felt enough to last a lifetime, I didn't need to welcome anymore into my life. Yet I still found myself longing to fill the void he left behind.**

 **After that event I went out of my way to keep away from Jounouchi, I sent out Isono and Mokuba to go on errands, I remained in either my home or at work, I didn't go out for pleasure, I didn't go out much at all. I worked from home as often as I could, worried I may bump into him on the commute between home and work. I was careful, meticulous.**

 **However, I did not forbid Mokuba from inviting friends over, that would have been too harsh, there wasn't a need for punishing my sister for something that wasn't her fault. Not while I could remain upstairs whenever they were over, whenever the Mutt had a likely chance of being in my home.**

 **I told her that she had to warn me before inviting people over, that I needed some knowledge of when I needed to hide away. She didn't like any of this, she hated that I avoided everything, she wanted me to face everything head on, as I usually did, but this just wasn't something I could cope with. I felt my heart would shatter if I were to see him again.**

 **But as fate would have it, it seemed I was destined to continuously bump in to that Mutt.**

 **He came knocking at my front door, probably looking for Mokuba, at least as I had first assumed. He seemed rather torn apart, mentally at least. His hair was a mess, clothing rather ratty, but then, that was usual for him. His eyes were abuzz with activity, hardly able to focus on one thing, as though he had been lost in this thought process for quite sometime.**

 **When he had noticed that the door had been opened, his attention had been snapped, he was now focusing on me. My heart skipped a beat. I quickly moved to shut the door, to keep from confronting him once more, but he stopped me. Foot between the door and it's frame, kept me from locking him out.**

 **I didn't know what to do now; he shouldn't expect anything from me, not after he had so recently broken my heart. It was horribly frightening to have to face him now, once more without my little sister as a shield.**

" _ **Mokuba isn't here."**_

 **I muttered through the mostly closed door. This seemed to shock him, why I would bring this up. He didn't seem to understand what I meant for quite some time, well, a few moments at most.**

 **When it clicked in his mind he merely shook his head in response to me, as though to tell me what I had said was wrong, that Mokuba was in fact home and not out with her friends.**

 **The thought then dawned on me, Mokuba should be with him and the rest of his friends right now, did he not join them?**

" _ **I didn't come here for your sister, I came here for you."**_

 **Fear shook me.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I feared so many things that his words could have held. I could take physical attacks, that was easy enough, but nothing as dragging as mental pain. If I had to admit to one weakness, that would be it. I couldn't take harsh words from people that I cared so deeply for. It brought me down to my knees, and although I held some hope for Jounouchi Katsuya and myself, I couldn't trust a word that came out of his perfect mouth, not after all that had happened.**

 **Yet he spoke no more words, he must have felt they were unnecessary, for instead of speaking, he reached his hands through the small space I had allowed, just enough for me to see him. He placed each had on either side of my face, I flinched away, yet nothing bad came of it. He pulled my face to his, and every so gently pressed his lips to mine. His kiss wasn't greedy, nor was it hateful, it was nothing that I had expected it to be. It was kind, calming.**

 **The shaking which had consumed me subsided, the fear which had gripped me vanished, I wasn't nervous, not while he was so sweet with me. This was a first, and yes it was scary beyond all belief, but it was a relief. I had wanted this for so very long, to feel him, to taste him. I know that this may sound odd, and a bit obsessive, but when you find yourself falling for someone, you also find that you want to know the oddest things about them, and I had always wanted to know what a kiss from him would taste like.**

 **Hot Cocoa was the answer. He must have had some recently, or just imbibed so much of it in the past that he now permanently tasted of the substance. Whatever the reason was, I found myself growing a need to taste more of it. I found it addictive now that I related it to him. Everything about Jounouchi Katsuya was addictive.**

 **A hand pressed to my chest. When it had left my cheek, I hadn't noticed, but it forced me back from the Mutt, kept me at a distance.**

 **When we had separated I was brought back to my senses. He had just kissed me, and I had let him. I felt a wave of joy mixed with a tinge of anxiety. It was nerve-wracking. I didn't know what to say now, or what to do. It wasn't until he spoke that I dared move.**

" _ **You a… mind letting me in?"**_

 **I realised my error then. I had been too caught up in myself to realise that he would probably wish to speak as well, something I wasn't particularly looking forward to. In that moment, I wished that life were made up of moments, of actions and not words, words ruined everything. They overcomplicated simple situations and made my existence a hell of a lot harder.**

 **I wasn't sure what he wanted to say, but I opened the door for him anyway, allowed** _ **him into my home.**_

 **While his back was to me, I sent a text to my sister, asked her to stay away for a little while longer. I did no wish for his friends to walk in on us and scare him away, nor did I wish for protection at this moment. If he had really meant something with that kiss, then surely he wouldn't hurt me, not while he felt something for me. If he hadn't meant a thing, I was left to deal with my own mistakes, and that was that.**

 **Jounouchi beckoned me to the living room, where we sat. I took a seat across from him, but he moved to sit by my side, as though the distance would have been too great for him to deal with.**

 **He looked up at me, stuck his eyes on my own. His gaze made it impossible to look away, the determination in his eyes, the emotion behind them; it put me into a trance, kept me focusing on him and nothing more.**

 **The words he spoke were soft, embarrassed, as though what he were saying was worse than anything I had said to him in the past. As though admitting all of this meant I would laugh, that I may mock him.**

" _ **I've been thinking… a lot…"**_

 **The mere fact that he had taken the time to think about any of this showed that there was some hope. It left me with a smile for the fact that I had even been on his mind for any amount of time. No matter what he said now could bring down my mood, if it meant that he would continue thinking about me in this way, then I was glad, I didn't care what he thought, so long as it was about me, I was happy. I wanted to be the center of his mind.**

" _ **And…, I know now that I uh, I couldn't say that I don't care about you either."**_

 **His phrasing wasn't the best, it wasn't what I had expected, but then, nothing was ever as I expected, what was I even expecting? For him to be some huge romantic? For some large gesture? This was Jounouchi Katsuya, nothing about him was extravagant, and that was part of why I loved him, he was subpar, never tried harder than he had to when it came to most things. I didn't want someone who tried too hard, I wanted someone like him, and that may have been a flaw of mine, but I didn't want someone like myself.**

 **Without much more thought, I found myself kissing him once more, I fond myself holding to him, wanting more and more, I knew it was selfish, everything about this was, but then, how could it be so if he wanted it too?**

 **I had a feeling that this was going to be a good start.**


	5. Chapter 5

**The next step was coming out to his friends. The idea terrified me. What if they were to disapprove? What if they were to make Katsuya choose? What if he chose them? I knew he would, I wasn't as important to him as they were, I would never be. They had been with him through thick and thin, and here I was, stepping into his life with no right to do so whatsoever. I wouldn't blame them if they disapproved however; I wouldn't want someone I cared about in a relationship with someone like me either. I was a horrible person to the extent of their knowledge. I spent my days mocking their friend, putting him down, causing him grief, and here I was asking to date him.**

 **The looks on their faces, the shock that was written over them, everything, it showed how they didn't like this. Katsuya could see it too. He reached for my hand, without thinking I jerked it away. I didn't want to offend them, I knew that ultimately they would decide, Katsuya would listen to whatever it was that they had to say, he'd follow them blindly like the loyal mutt he was. I only wished his loyalty belonged to me instead.**

 **It took quite a while for them to respond, precious moments spent waiting for them to absorb what they had just been told. Muto was the first to recover, the look of worry never leaving his face. After him was Mazaki, who seemed far more comfortable with the idea than everyone else in the room, following her was Honda, then Otogi. Their response was only half as expected. They did not grow angry with us, they did not force Katsuya to choose, they did not freak out.**

 **Instead, they only worried, unsure if what we wanted was really what was best for us, worried that we may just end up hurting eachother, but understanding that we were the ones who chose this, that we were the only ones who could have a say in this. That it was our right to pick who we allowed to hurt us; that we had every right to be with one another. They did not disapprove, despite how they worried.**

 **Mazaki was the first to speak, a smile as warm as the summer breeze pulling at her pale cheeks.**

" _ **So long as you two are happy."**_

 **So long as we were happy? That sounded nice. A chance to be happy with someone else, someone other than family. He would never replace Mokuba in my heart, but I felt as though I wouldn't regret giving him a place elsewhere. I felt as though Jounouchi Katsuya would not let me down, that he was in this till the end, just as I was. I didn't plan on giving up on him, not ever, I felt as though he was crucial to the rest of my life.**

 **Afterall, I had never felt this way toward another human being before. Love is a strange thing.**

 **At Mazaki's words, Katsuya seemed to be happy enough, so happy in fact, that he decided on kissing me in that moment, I of course pushed him away, told him that we weren't to do such things in front of others, that it was indecent and impolite.**

 **I would have thought he would grow angry with me, but he merely rolled his eyes, gave a scoff, called me a few names, said I shouldn't be so worried about it, that no one really actually cared.**

 **It seemed that things hadn't changed all that much, I found myself smiling at that. He wouldn't change his attitude toward me, not for the world, and that pleased me. I loved our banter, if he would have decided on changing how he treated me, all for the fact that we were now in a relationship, I would have bene quite disappointed, to the point that I may have decided on dumping him. I doubt that either of us would have been happy in the end if that were the case.**

 **His friends managed half-assed laughter at Katsuya's words. I could tell that they were still concerned over this, but they were trying to hide it, at least they had some respect, at least they would try to get along. I would rather not have them attempting to take Katsuya away from me, so this was preferable to the latter.**

 **We left soon after, keen on getting away from his friends, on getting away from that stiff atmosphere. Why we had to go through that was beyond me, but it was something that Katsuya had wanted. I wasn't going to refuse him anything, not while we were still so fragile, I didn't doubt that our relationship could break apart much more easily than it had started out.**

 **We returned to my home, where Mokuba was most likely waiting. She had returned home from her outing an hour ago at the very least, she had a curfew, and she knew best to abide by it.**

 **When we arrived, she was shocked to see that I was with the very person I had been avoiding for so long. A single glance from me told her all she needed to know. A smile broke out over her delicate features like a rash. She was happy. She gave a nod and headed upstairs, to leave us alone.**

 **Katsuya managed laughter. He must have thought that her defualt actions were somewhat humorous.**

 **He explained that had it been his sister, she would have stayed, made sure that we didn't do anything that could be considered inappropriate. It was my turn to laugh. Our sisters were exact opposites. Just as we were, it made sense. At least to me. It made much more sense than we did. We surely wouldn't work all too well together, at least that was what I expected, what everyone else expected. It seemed that everything would be left up to us.**


End file.
